I'd Rather Be a Bad Girl

She's just enough something, but never too much. She's smart, but keeps her opinions to herself. Outgoing and popular, but quiet and sweet. She's pretty, but not hot. She's always put together, but would never steal the show. She doesn't get in trouble, or would even dare to rock the boat. She does what's asked of her and never pushes back. She tolerates, she keeps her emotions in check, and she most certainly never complains. And she's just so grateful for what she has, never daring to dream of more. THIS is what it means to be a good girl. For me, being a good girl meant learning to stay quiet, to figure it out on my own and to never need anyone. It meant not having the power to say no when someone wanted my time, or my money, or my body. It meant getting perfect grades, and not being a pain in the ass for my parents. Later, it meant having the perfect home that was always clean and organized. It meant having a menu planned and making sure I was a good host. It meant staying up late to make homemade baby food (and if you've ever put cooked, organic chicken breasts in the Vitamix because you'd rather be caught dead than feed your perfect children the pre-packaged foods from the store, then you know what I mean). It meant Pinterest-worthy birthday parties, and always being the one to put the caps back on the Play-doh, and having it alllll together, all while being successful in my career… but not more successful than the men in the room. It meant never admitting how exhausted I was. ALL THE TIME. It meant never getting clear about what I needed. It meant never asking for help. It meant never having boundaries. It meant never saying, "No." My version of good meant doing everything that was expected of me, and not always what was best for me. Until, one day, I realized that being a good girl was good for everyone but myself. I came to understand that I could no longer be good, and free. And so, I chose to be bad. I broke the rules. I stopped catering to the expectations from others. I spoke up. I got clear about what I needed to feel like a whole human again. I began to admit that I couldn't do it all on my own and I learned how to ask for help. (Yes, in fairness that one is still a work in progress). But holy hell, I learned to say, "No." With no explanation, or no reason, or no justification... Just, "No." No more handmade Valentine's with cute little sayings. No more Pinterest-worthy birthday parties (sorry kids, but your Mom just can't anymore). I'm lucky if I get one home-cooked dinner on the table per week, and even luckier if we all actually eat at the table. I started saying no to the coffee connects with people who benefitted from my time, while I left feeling drained. No more committees, no more organizing, no more board positions that don't fill my bucket. I leave the house in leggings and a hoodie more days than I can count, and dress up when I want to BECAUSE I want to. I said no to friendships that no longer felt supportive. I said no to my marriage. I said no to a job that just didn't light me up, and then later to a job that sucked the life out of me. I started saying no to people who aren't authentic and true. I still put up my hand when there's a cause I care about. I ask for what I want at work, at home, and from the people in my life who've stuck around this long. And, I have just enough "bad girl" in me to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I deserve what I'm asking for. Being "good" was good for everyone but me. So, if my choices are to either be a "good girl" or free, I'd rather be a bad girl.

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If you were a bad girl, just for today, what would you do? What would you say yes to? What would you say no to? Who would you be if you were a bad girl?