It is not your fault

(Note: Please be careful with yourself if you may be triggered by topics such as infant loss, sexual abuse, drug use, domestic abuse, or bullying.) I sat at the kitchen island with her as we caught up on work, and kids, and navigating the waters of how to succeed in both career and family. Our conversation turned to her struggles with infertility as she was trying to grow her family, unsuccessfully. As a birth worker, I regularly sit with women through conversations of both heartache and joy, and I'm never quite prepared for how much women carry in these situations. My beautiful friend was carrying the burden and insurmountable guilt for unsuccessful pregnancies, and I know she wasn't alone in that.

My God, the conversations that kitchen island has held... Sometimes over a bottle of wine, or a glass of whiskey and melting ice. That kitchen island has held space for a friend who was navigating a child being picked on, friends who have recently had trust dismantled in their relationships, friends who are dealing with shame, and even just friends who need a reprieve from a house full of kids and responsibility.

So one night, on a long, late-night flight to the west coast, I wrote the words below. For these women who have poured themselves out at my counter, and for myself.

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It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

Did your co-worker just throw you under the bus for something that they did?

Did your boyfriend just break up with you?

Is your first grader being bullied at school?

Are you struggling with infertility?

Did you just find out that your daughter was sexually abused as a child for more years than she could count?

Is your son doing hard drugs and you just can't get him clean?

Is your spouse using their words or their hands to abuse you?

This.. is not your fault.

You did not earn this circumstance, or deserve this, or do anything that caused these things to happen.

Most of the time, we couldn't even have done anything to prevent them.

What would it feel like to release the ownership of feeling at fault for whatever it is you've been hanging on to?

Now, some things might be your fault. My hope for you, that if something is your fault, that you own it, and you think about it, and then you find a way to humbly apologize for it. And if you do apologize... mean it. Learn how to mean it when you apologize.

But, today isn't about that. Today I want to talk about all the things that you did not cause. And today, I want to give you the freedom to let that go.

I remember perfectly being called out of class when I was in high school, walking down the hallway to see my dad standing there. It wasn't really unusual; my dad was a licensed counselor at the school I went to. This time, my brother was standing with him and my dad told him that he needed to say goodbye to me. My brother was awkward, most likely because he was high on something. My dad was crying, and I was confused. I came to understand that my brother was leaving town, and this was goodbye. We hugged, and then he left. The next moment I'll remember for the rest of my life: My dad, the best man I know, cried and hugged me, and said to me, "How can I counsel other people's kids if I can't even counsel my own?"

My brother's behavior was not my dad's fault.

The night my husband kicked one of my child's toys across the room in anger, and it hit me in the leg, is another moment that will stay with me the rest of my life. One of my boys were in the room, and because of this I begged him to calm down. He called me stupid. My husband, the man I'd committed to spending the rest of my life with, to have kids and raise a family with, called me stupid. I knew that night that I was leaving the marriage. It took me far too long to come to understand that this event and the things he said to me then, before and after, were not my fault. I could not control him.

And now, I invite you to think about whatever it is you're blaming yourself for. What are you feeling guilty about? What are you taking blame for that perhaps you don't really need to?

Think about that and just hold it for a minute.

Now...

Hear me when I say.... it is not your fault.

You did not cause this, you did not deserve this, and you cannot control the outcome.

The only thing you can control is how you respond to the situation.

So, let it go.

I'll teach you a technique that one of my long-time mentors taught me: I want you to take that thought, that circumstance or that action, put that story in a big, huge balloon. I don't care what color it is or what shape it is, you choose.

Put it in a balloon and watch it float away. Watch as that balloon floats up in to the sky, higher and higher, until you can no longer see it.

And now, if you want, put your hand on your heart and say,

"I release this story. I am free from fault. I am free from blame. Thank you."

How did that feel?

For some of you it probably caused a lot of anxiety. For those of you who aren't quiet ready, who couldn't quiet release whatever it is you're hanging on to, this is for you:

It is not your fault.

You, my friend, are free from blame. You are free from shame.

It is not your fault.